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Ending Spiritual Friendships

9/3/2018

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Adult friendships are very different from the childhood friendships we had in so many ways and they way that they end can also be tricky, if not difficult. There are a few reasons why we want to end friendships even ones that we share a familiar spiritual background:

1. Sometimes we just grow out of them: You no longer have the same spiritual beliefs etc.
2. We loose touch and grow apart: A week of no talking turns into a month and so on... 
3. We find that our wounds and their wounds don't mesh well together: This often causes discord between two people because we always find ourselves misreading each other and/or triggering each other. This may be helpful to bring to the surface what needs to heal but when its a friend you are around all the time its hard to remain safe enough to heal everything as fast as it comes to the surface. 

As we grow we learn that adult friendships come and go and that the true friendships we have are the ones that do grow with and are constantly learning from one another. If we have one true friendship then we can really call ourselves lucky. 

The inspiration for this blog was a recent spiritual friendship of mine that was lost. This is someone that I called a friend and who I loved going to for spiritual advice. Even if I didn't always agree with his advice, I would still reflect on it and try and understand the reason that message came to me through him. However one day we had gotten into an argument. I told my truth and he told his, although his truth consisted of telling me that my truth was "in my ego". After the end of my argument I later gave my most heartfelt apology. I told him I was sorry and that I was working on that part of myself that caused me to react the way I did in our argument. His response was just, "its all good on my end". One argument and he had turned his back on me. He acted like he couldn't even be near me.

Right away I felt the feeling of invalidation, and that I opened myself up to my faults all to just get shut down. I was going through all the traditional astrological cancer sign moods. However, after about 15 minutes of allowing myself to feel everything that was coming up I realized something about myself. I realized I wasn't the pre-spiritual self anymore. That person who would would take this rejection and turn it into negative self talk and turn inwards. This person would say, "What is so invaluable about my friendship that he could so quickly turn on me?", "what is wrong with me?", and "why couldn't I make things better?". Then, I remembered there was another person who I grew from. The person who was beginning this spiritual journey who would say, "He is just in his ego", "He couldn't take my apology because he hasn't healed his wounds", "I feel sorry for him", "He is so closed off and unwilling to forgive".

I was no longer that person either. I no longer needed to define someone as "right" and someone as "wrong" and instead looked at what had happened as purely information. What he helped me to bring to light was wounds of insecurity that were still lingering. The most important one was my bottomless need for validation from other people that I am a good friend. I learned that this theme of validation from a friend had come up in my life so many times. I was given opportunities to look at this belief that wasn't serving me but I ignored it and thus continued to remain unhealed. It would come as people who would come in and out of my life where I felt like I must have not done enough or been enough, otherwise they would have stayed. I remembered that I do not need this validation which was obvious but not applied to my life when it mattered the most.

I also realized that my wounds coming up in the midst of our argument was triggering his own wounds, whatever they were. Perhaps it was just too much and that I can understand. I can empathize because I was right there with him in hurt and that was what we had in common. From all of this I can honestly say how grateful I am that we had this argument. It gave me the opportunity to realize how ridiculous this insecurity was and how much I needed to give my own self the validation I wanted because only then would I feel fully satisfied because no matter how much others validated me I would have always wanted more.

​With that being said, yes, I have felt my sadness of the lost of the friendship however I am glad that I can move on in peace. I continue to send my love and wish him the happiness and love in life that I wish for myself. I encourage you to try the same with a friend who is no longer in your life. Send them love and wish them the same happiness in life you wish for yourself. It may not feel genuine at first and depending on the feelings you have for this person, you may not want to do this at all but it will truly help you in the end to bring some peace within yourself, healing, and closure.

Lots of love and crystal joy to you!

<3 Leiah


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Are you being "Spiritual Correct"?

1/4/2017

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Spiritually correct
​This is a topic that has been on my mind for quite some time but I finally made the time to gather my thoughts about it. Now, I wont make any disclaimers because I think it is obvious that these are my feeling on the subject and may not align with yours and thats okay as I will continue to explain.

So what do I mean by being "spiritually correct". There are a lot of definitions out there but I wanted to give my definition based on the spiritual community not including religions because that is another subject entirely so I am not talking about religions when I am talking about spirituality. My definition of being "spiritually correct" is an ego based belief that there is a "wrong" way and a "right" way to practice spirituality....

This often comes in a form of telling people what to do and how they should act. This is where I have seen "spiritually correct" actions the most. If you want a really hilarious YouTube video on this subject it will be linked to this video. This is a pattern that very often happens when someone is new to spiritually and has been gathering a lot of information but who thinks they know enough to start giving unsolicited advice to other people in the way they practice their spirituality in their day to day lives.

This can be as small as making a remark about someone's eating patterns and telling them that they shouldn't eat dairy products or animal products because they are low vibrational foods. Now I'm a pescetarian myself and this means that I eat seafood and fish but don't eat pork, beef, or chicken mostly because I didn't like it as a kid but it became more of knowledgeable about it I decided consciously stop eating it. I know it works for me but I can't say it will work for the next person so I don't recommend it to other people because I don't know what is in the best interest for them and their bodies and I don't claim to know as much.

This can also be bigger such as telling someone to how they should handle a complicated situation in their lives without being asked or going as far as saying you KNOW the way someone else needs to heal. There are many, many variables that will tell you whether or not you should speak up and that's really a call for you to make based on how well you know that person, whether you truly feel they are asking for that advice, and much more but here is when the topic goes into "spiritually correct" territory:
1. Not listening to the other person. An example is when someone tells you that they had a bad day and you try to put a quick bandaid on it and give them one liners like "well everything happens for a reason", "don't be sad", "you are really being so negative". When you say these things about a couple things happen. First, you stop the flow of communication. Second, in a matter of words you told them that they are not allowed to feel their feelings. This can cause shame and repressed emotions. The key here is what you resist persists. If you find yourself doing this to someone take a step back and reflect on what emotions they are expressing that you've perhaps been denying in yourself.
2. You are being judgmental instead of discerning: Discerning is when you can see the situation at hand clearly but you take your opinion and ego out of it. Judgment is when you have an ego based opinion whether something is "right" or "wrong" and react accordingly to your judgements.  If you find yourself doing this then, again, step back and take a look at all the judgments you place on yourself regarding this situation. Heal whatever it was that made this topic a trigger for you.
3. You are not giving them autonomy and trusting that they can make the best decisions for themselves. For example, lets say a friend of yours hasn't had a relationship in a long time. Now it's easy to go to a place of "what is wrong with them" and "what do THEY need to heal" especially if you are not trying to understand and relate to their situation. This causes you to be closed off to other points of views and goes straight into "spiritual correctness" territory again. When you find yourself doing this then recognize that you may need to open your mind a bit more and see where you are limiting yourself in that topic. Maybe you have convinced yourself that nobody could possibly be happy or fulfilled being single and this can be a perfect opportunity for you to let go of that limiting belief so you wont have to hold onto that fear anymore.

To recap: How to recognize when you are going into "spiritual correctness" state:
When you are judging instead of discerning
When you think you know more than someone else and know what's in their best interest
When you are not giving someone the autonomy that they deserve

The way to handle people who are stuck in being "spiritually correct" is give them empathy. This may be a long or short phase they they will be going through but it can be necessary for them in order to learn more about themselves and recognize the shadow work they need to do. Also understand that you don't need to take it personally because it's all what they are going through and they are using you as a mirror for judgments they place on themselves. For instance if someone says, "that person is so fat!" You know that they honestly have judgments, emotional triggers and fears surrounding being fat themselves or they wouldn't react in that way. They usually are coming from a place where they feel devalued or have low self worth. Now I am not telling you to feel sorry for them. That is sympathy. Once you feel sorry or give someone sympathy you are affirming that they don't have the power to change.

So by recognizing when you are being "spiritually correct" you can heal all aspects of yourself that you have been placing judgment on. You can shed light and love on all parts of you that you felt you couldn't accept about yourself and grow exponentially!

Hope you enjoyed this topic! ​

<3 Crystal Joy to you!!
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